


fire alarms and losing you

by riddlersboyfriend



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Winchester-centric, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Panic Attacks, References to Croatoan/Endverse (Supernatural), Sad with a Happy Ending, Touch-Starved Dean Winchester, Zachariah Being an Asshole (Supernatural), a lot of it, some soul-searching by dean, the whole endverse arc makes me so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:06:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riddlersboyfriend/pseuds/riddlersboyfriend
Summary: Dean touches down on the side of the road, feeling lost and hurt and sad, like the world is crumbling around him and there was nothing he can do to stop it. Although he isn't really sure if he wants to stop it anymore.But then there's Cas,hisCas, and Dean practically bursts into tears on the spot.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Endverse Castiel/Endverse Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 87





	fire alarms and losing you

**Author's Note:**

> i had feels and nowhere to put them so here :( h/c is great but also terrible. title is from "death valley" by fall out boy, a song that REALLY gives me endverse!destiel vibes. 
> 
> the ENTIRE endverse arc made me SO feral. endverse!cas had me about to cry, i really wanted to throw hands w/endverse!dean, and the "cas, too?" line had me PAUSING THE WHOLE THING so i could get it together. this is the outcome. i just want snuggles ;-;
> 
> anyway, this is short and sweet (not that sweet, jesus h) and was practically begging to be written so here it is <3

Dean touches down on the side of the road, feeling lost and hurt and sad, like the world is crumbling around him and there's nothing he can do to stop it. Although he isn't really sure if he wants to stop it anymore. 

He's alone, for now. So he sits down and waits for his head to stop spinning. 

God _damn_ Zachariah. That alternate world he'd put Dean in had scared him, mostly because of what had happened to him and Cas. Future Dean was this apathetic, cruel man who would (and _did_ ) send his own friends in to die for a greater cause. And future Cas was this junkie who buried his hurt in decadence and women and drugs. Sort of like Dean. That Cas was twisted and hurt and scary and _wrong._ Sort of like Dean. 

But future Cas was also a lot less guarded than his Cas, and so whenever future Dean did something stupid, or brushed past him without looking at him or talking to him, Dean could see every emotion, every reaction flit across his face. He was unashamed of his feelings.

 _Well,_ he thinks miserably, _there's one thing we don't have in common._

Future Cas looked at Dean the way his Cas sometimes did, with fondness and the occasional reverence and sadness and _love_ , and it hits Dean like a brick to the face that future Castiel loved future Dean, and he must have done _something_ to make him feel like he couldn't say it. 

"What a fucking dumbass," he mumbles into his hands, knowing good and damn well that it applies to him, too. Of course that was his future. Of course that was their road. Of course Dean had to go and screw things up the way he always did, while pretending that he hadn't screwed up anything. And he should know- future Dean is _him._ He knows future Dean loved future Cas, because he- 

_No._

Look, Dean's firmly taken the position of _any Cas is a good Cas_ , and so far that logic has been flawed at best. It hadn't applied to Cas' stint as God, or the Leviathans, and it really didn't apply to future Cas, either. But Dean's not about to change that stance any time soon. Any Cas, even one from a universe where he hates Dean, or one where they'd never met, _any_ Cas is a good one. Dean gravitates towards him like a moth to a light, as much as he tries to put a lid on it. It always seeps out, it is always the gaping crack in his metaphorical armor. Just Cas. As long as he's there, Dean knows he'll be- well, maybe not fine, but he'd happily die if it were at Cas' hands. 

And that scares him shitless. 

Because the only other person he'd thought something even remotely similar about is Sam, and that's completely different. Sam's his brother, his best friend. He'd give anything for him, and he has, a million times over. But if Sam held a knife to his neck, Dean would stop him. He wouldn't let Sam kill him, not unless he had to. Yet- if _Cas_ did it? If Castiel, the angel, the one who pulled him from Hell and fell from Heaven for him, decided that it was time to take Dean permanently out of the picture- well, hasn't Dean screwed up Cas' life enough? Hasn't he pulled him from purity and made him crawl in the dirt with him? 

He loves Cas enough to let him hurt him, something that he can't really say about anyone else. 

Dean is alone, so he lets himself indulge for a moment in all the insane emotions his Cas makes him feel. He lets himself be afraid of them, but lets everything in him finally scream that _he loves Cas_ anyway. And he tries desperately to forget that stupid universe in its entirety. That won't happen to them. He has to keep Cas, can't let himself go down the road future Dean did. He wants to keep him. He _needs_ to keep him. 

But then there _is_ Cas, _h_ _is_ Cas, standing on the side of the road and looking down at Dean, head tilted in confusion. 

"Have you been waiting long?" he asks, and Dean practically bursts into tears on the spot. 

" _Cas_ ," he whispers, standing and closing most of the distance between them in a few short seconds. Castiel's look of confusion changes to his usual fondness and then into worry, eyebrows furrowed as he surveys Dean for damage. 

"Dean," he says slowly, reaching out to tentatively rest a hand on Dean's shoulder. The fact that he does it so hesitantly and so slowly, to give Dean room to brush him off and be a dick as he always is, almost sends him into hysterics. 

One shuddering breath becomes two, becomes three, and they stand there for god only knows how long while Dean falls apart on the inside. Castiel's hand on his shoulder feels like a burn. There's suddenly not enough air, or maybe there's not enough room in Dean's lungs but now he can't breathe. Flashes of the alternate universe come crashing into his mind- future Cas popping pills, future Dean assembling a gun, stifling loneliness and pain and _longing and_ -

" _Dean_ ," Cas says again, and both his hands are on Dean now, jolting him back to reality. 

Dean closes the distance and throws his arms around Castiel's neck, tugging him into a tight hug. Cas is stiff for a moment, and _what if Dean's gotten this all wrong? What if neither Cas wanted him?_ But Cas returns the gesture, wrapping one arm around Dean's waist and the other just under his shoulders. He's murmuring something, and that's when Dean blinks and realizes that he's full-on _sobbing,_ holding on to Castiel like he's the driftwood that will save Dean from drowning. 

"I-," he whispers, but, unable to finish, buries his face in the crook of the angel's neck. He hasn't been touched like this in so long and every nerve in him is screaming _why don't we do this more often_? 

Cas gives him what feels like an eternity before pulling back, just enough to see Dean's face. He reaches out and ever so gently brushes tears from his cheeks, and Dean shamelessly leans into his touch. He hasn't felt this secure in years. Maybe ever. 

"What happened?" Cas asks, one hand cupping Dean's face and the other back on his shoulder. "What happened, Dean?" 

Dean shudders. He doesn't want to think about it, let alone talk about it, but his mind is already off to the races. _Zachariah sent me to a future universe where you popped pills and we never talked and I never told you that I love you, I'm so scared, please don't leave me-_

He must have said all that out loud, because Cas says, "I won't. I'm not going anywhere. I promise." It soothes him more than he'd have thought it would, and Cas pulls him back into a hug before he can say anything about it. Because Cas doesn't think he's weak for crying about this. He isn't pushing him away or insulting him at all, and Dean's so grateful for it he could cry all over again. 

"Cas," he whispers weakly, grasping at the angel's shoulders. Cas lets him, nods with him. 

"I'm here, Dean. I promise you, I'll always be with you." 

"I- I l-" his head is spinning and everything feels like too much. "Cas-" 

"You don't have to," Castiel says, the streetlights forming a sort of halo around him from behind. He looks ethereal, and even though his eyes aren't glowing with divine fury, he looks every bit the angel he is under these flickering lights. "I know, Dean. You were so brave to tell me. I know you do." 

Dean takes a shaky breath. He'd said it five seconds ago, but now the words are choking him, hot and heavy on his tongue. "I want to." 

"I know." 

"How long do we have to keep doing this, Cas?" he asks suddenly, exhaustion hitting him hard. He feels so much older, and his shoulders sag as if this new weight is physically pushing him to the ground. "How long do we have to keep saving the world? How many times do we have to die to stop something that we're not even entirely sure we _can_ stop?" 

Cas cocks his head. "Until it's over. Until the world is safe." 

Dean looks up at the dark night sky and lets out a breath. "Until it's over." He looks back at Castiel, squaring his shoulders and locking away his tears and panic and world-weariness. "Okay." 

But not his love. That gets to stay. 

**Author's Note:**

> *keysmash* well, that was something. time to go listen to selena gomez and cry am i right boys (gn)


End file.
